I Am A Person

EDIT: Fore Warning Oi, this is just another journal about me and my ex. If you don't give a fuck about me (it's understandable if you don't so don't feel that you HAVE to read this now that I've called attention to the fact), or if you're bored with a 26 year-old griping over high school grade issues, please ignore this one.




My ex decided to contact me today after a month of silence. This marks the second time she's done this. I can't be certain, but I think this is some twisted, fucked up game she's playing with me. A month is just long enough for someone to start getting over something, you know? Like, if you saw a murder, you'd be traumatized for weeks, maybe the rest of your life but, the initial shock would probably dissolve within 30 days. Or maybe I'm just grasping at straws so as to explain the particular way I'm feeling. I'm not a psychologist, after all.

Anyways, I've still been a sloppy mess about everything. I don't get joy out of life anymore. I only see the dull gray of the world. The moments of happiness I have now are fewer and farther between and, because of such, I often over-exaggerate them to make them last a bit longer. I'm constantly having to find a way to distract myself too. Every time I have a spare moment with no project or task, I end up thinking about... well, her. Then I get depressed again.

i'm pretty pathetic, right?

I don't know if it how I was raised or if I just wanted to believe the fantasies and myths about love, but regardless, I really gave my whole heart to that girl. *sigh* I'm not very mature when it comes to things like this. "When you say you love someone, you mean it." Pretty naive thinking. The word love doesn't really have a place in this world; not in its original content anyways.

So, anyways, back to the topic on hand. So after a month of nothing, she sends me a Skype message. "mmm hello"

I cannot expressed how very angry that made me. I gave this girl my love, hopes, dreams and trust and here she is, after not a word for a month, she so casually greets me. As if I'm a damn toy that can be played with then stuffed away somewhere, out of the way for a month till she gets bored and decides to play with me once again.

Thinking back, maybe I overreacted to all of this, but honestly I'm just tired of all this. I'd have to imagine that my ex isn't completely oblivious to the way I feel about her; I've told her, oh, so many times, after all. So, every if she only had an inkling of the emotional struggle she puts me through, she would have to be able to surmise that playing this little of "Red Light, Green Light" is really screwin' with me. And if she knows that, then she MUST be doing this intentionally to hurt me. There's no other logical explanation for it. SHE broke up with ME, after all. After all the begging and pleading. If there was more I could have done to get her to reconsider, I don't know of it.

So, this brings me to my question: What the fuck does this sadistic bitch want with me?!

I'm so... tired. She's evil. Made me feel something, made me depend on her then took it all away. And now, when I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, she pulls me back into the darkness. And for what? Just to leave me alone in my misery till I finally start to recover again?


You know, when I first met her, my ex said she was contemplating suicide. So, I did what I thought any other decent man would do, I decided to love her. At first, yes, it was to keep her from killing herself but, as time moved on, I genuinely fell for her. But now, after all this shit, I've had one constant thought running through my head. After the break up, it came to me but I didn't want to be the kind of asshole who would be able to say it. But, you know what, I AM that kind of asshole. In fact, the world's full of people like me.

I SHOULD HAVE LET YOU DIE

That's right. Judge me how you will. But, remember this: When you extinguish the light in somebody's heart, you've created more darkness to cover the world with. Don't go around breaking hearts or hurting people on a whim. There is so little beauty left in humanity.

If you find a good person, for God's sake; I beg of you; take care of them! Don't let them become like me, broken and twisted. Keep them pure! Let their love grow and spread! Let it take root and form a deep foundation in your life as well as the lives of others.

There is so little beauty left in humanity, after all...